


Quiet Memories

by shatteredcrystalwings



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, but mainly fluff, set during 3.0, some light references to loop theory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-23
Updated: 2015-11-23
Packaged: 2018-05-02 23:29:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5267903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shatteredcrystalwings/pseuds/shatteredcrystalwings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Can I… Would it be okay if I…”<br/>“Mm, what is it?”<br/>“...Can I kiss you?”<br/>~~~~~<br/>Shinji doesn't want to spend the night alone after being shown what happened to the world and Kaworu gives him more than he bargained for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Quiet Memories

**Author's Note:**

> This is set right after Kaworu puts on the DSS choker. 
> 
> Warning that there is a pretty detailed description of an anxiety attack with some dissociation characteristics right near the start of this.  
> Other than that, enjoy your sickeningly sweet fluff (ㆁωㆁ*)

The sudden lack of pressure on Shinji’s neck felt odd. For almost a month, there had been a constant feeling of being strangled, the choker he had donned without choice ever present. He had gotten used to it. It had never been comfortable, but after the first few days, it wasn’t as noticeable. It had become familiar, so much so that its absence now seemed stranger than its presence.

Now, however, that pressure was gracing the neck of another. He didn’t know how such a thing was possible, but he didn’t question it. If he had learned anything recently, it was that some questions were best left unanswered.

Now, Kaworu was the one whose life was in danger. Although Shinji didn’t really understand what the choker was meant to stop, he understood that it was meant to kill its wearer.

He had put someone else in danger.

Again, it was his fault.

A cold shiver ran through him as his thoughts again returned to those that he had been trying so hard to keep away from. He shrank into himself.

He had failed.

He hadn’t saved anyone.

All he had done was destroy.

He had _killed_ them.

Everyone.

_Everyone._

_EveryTHING_.

It was hIs fault hiS HIS

HE was to blAME

EveRYone waS DEad

The WORLD was _DEAD_

becaUse oF-

A hand clasped tightly around his own, but the thoughts still swirled, tumbling down and down and down, he wished they would just sTOP. His throat felt as if it was swelling and his breathing came out ragged and short. His mind felt fuzzy from the lack of oxygen, but still the cruel clouds of self-loathing persisted.

The contact of the hand changed to arms wrapping around him, pulling him towards the warm presence kneeling beside him. The other person must have crawled onto the bed he had been sitting on. Still, he shook, his mind feeling as if it were collapsing in on himself. Who was holding him? He couldn’t even remember. His eyes were wide open, yet he couldn’t comprehend any of what they saw. He could hear the sound of breathing next to his ear, slow and deep, and tried to focus on that, but it seemed so far away. Was that body even really touching him? Did he even have a body that COULD be touched? He couldn’t remember. It didn’t feel like it. He tried to take a deep breath and choked on it, coughing out what sounded more like a sob.

“That’s good, keep trying to breathe, Ikari-kun, that’s very good.”

His next breath came out shaking, the intake that followed hitching in another sob. But he tried. It was hard, oh _god_ , it was hard. It took so much effort just to try to focus on that one small act, usually one that required no conscious thought at all, as his brain tried to pull him further down into the impending black. Again and again he tried. His body, his arms and his cheeks and his neck, felt fuzzy as he started to regain awareness of his surroundings. There were tears staining his cheeks, he realized. He didn’t even remember when they had started.

Oh. It was Kaworu. That was who was there with him. This had happened because Kaworu had put the choker on himself. Shinji tried to reach a hand forward to feel that Kaworu really was there, but he found his fingers were already clutching the front of the other boy’s shirt. Oh. Had he done that at some point? He couldn’t remember. He tried to loosen his fingers, taking several seconds before the digits finally obeyed him at all. Once the hand was free, he managed to reach it around, resecuring it to Kaworu’s back and using it as leverage to pull himself into him, burying his face against his shoulder. In some far corner of his mind, he felt guilty about getting the tears and probably snot and saliva that was all over his face on him, but he didn’t care enough to stop.

His breathing at this point had mostly steadied, only catching occasionally as he inhaled. Shinji’s clenched hand shakily loosened its grip and he felt one of the arms that was wrapped around him loosen in turn, the hand attached to it rubbing his back gently. As the time passed, Shinji noticed that the hand had started tracing slow patterns on him. They felt vaguely like letters, but he couldn’t quite make out what specifically.

“What are you w-writing?” he managed to say, impressed that he was able to yet annoyed by the stutter that came out with the words.

Kaworu was silent for a moment. “Things I’ve said to you in the past.”

An almost silent “oh” was all Shinji responded with.

After a few minutes, Shinji pulled away slightly, sniffing as he did so, and raised a hand to wipe at his eyes and face. “Ugh…” was all he said as his fingers touched what felt like slime. “I’m sorry.” He didn’t meet his eyes.

“I don’t mind.” Kaworu’s fingers continued to trace the letters. “You wouldn’t go through that if it was something you could help. There’s no reason to feel guilty.”

Shinji had no response. Regardless of what Kaworu said, he still felt wrong about making Kaworu have to witness him being like that.

He was too nice.

Shinji didn’t deserve a friend like that.

People weren’t _supposed_ to treat him like he wasn’t a burden, that’s how it always had been. Even if they didn’t say it, though often they did, he could tell that was still how they felt. So why was it that he didn’t feel like that with _him_?

“You should try to sleep,” Kaworu said gently, pulling away slightly so that they could look at each other. He raised a hand to Shinji’s cheek and wiped away a stray tear, though Shinji noticed that there was a slight sense of hesitation in the action. “Commander Ikari wants us to pilot tomorrow. Fatigue is something both of us need to try to avoid.”

He nodded, making a slight sound of agreement, yet when Kaworu started to stand, Shinji’s hand remained fixed on his shirt. Kaworu gave him a curious look. “Could-” Shinji started, flapping his mouth a few times before finally managing to voice his question, “Could you stay with me tonight?”

He blinked, eyes locked on Shinji’s for a moment before a small smile spread on his face. “Of course.”

* * *

Two hours later, Shinji laid wide awake as he stared up at the darkened ceiling. He felt tired, yet hard as he tried, he couldn’t seem to fall asleep.

Kaworu and him hadn’t really talked after Shinji had asked him to spend the night. They had discussed sleeping arrangements, which had been quite a short conversation seeing as how the room had little else but the one bed, but other than that there had been nothing but brief instances of idle small talk.

The same thoughts from earlier kept prodding from the recesses of his mind, but he did his best to hold them off. He didn’t want to end up panicking again. Not now. Instead, he focussed his mind of the piano notes that he and the boy lying next to him had repeated so many times over the previous weeks, the hands beside his hips tapping out the chords on the stiff mattress.

Tomorrow he would pilot Unit 13. Kaworu had said that piloting would fix things. He had yet to explain how, but he had still said it. Shinji had to try to believe in those words.

_“Please just don’t pilot EVA!”_

Again the words of Toji’s sister repeated in his mind. Out of everyone he had had contact with after waking up, save for Kaworu, she had been the only one to show him any sort of kindness. Or, at least, she hadn’t shown him outright hostility like the others at WILLE.

He would pilot.

That was what Kaworu said was right.

And he trusted Kaworu.

He trusted him, didn’t he?

Stopping his hands that had still been drumming in the same pattern, he rolled over onto his side to gaze at the boy sleeping beside him.

After a moment’s hesitation, he reached a hand out and lightly brushed his fingers over the choker that was still around Kaworu’s neck. That was his promise to Shinji, his vow to protect him, no matter the cost.

As if on cue, Kaworu’s eyes opened to meet Shinji’s.

He pulled his hand back as fast as he could, hoping it hadn’t been noticed. “Ah! S-sorry! Did I wake you up?”

“Mm, not at all,” he replied, slipping a folded arm under his head as he too rolled onto his side to face the other. “I’m not one who requires much sleep anyway.”

“O-oh…” He lowered his gaze, suddenly nervous as he realized just how close the two of them were. The bed really wasn’t meant for two people… “...Hey, Nagisa-kun?”

“Mm?”

“You said earlier that piloting EVA was the only way to fix things, didn’t you?” The question scared him. He had been having a breakdown when Kaworu had said that to him. What if he had heard wrong or was remembering wrong? Would Kaworu be annoyed with him?

“Nn, that’s right. Are you wondering how?”

“Y-yeah…”

“Hmm… It’s a bit hard to explain. A lot happened since you awakened Unit 01, you see. You’re familiar with Lilith, are you not?”

“Huh? Ah, yeah. Misato-san showed me it at one point.”

Kaworu nodded, rolling once more onto his back, arms behind his head as he stared up at the ceiling. “So you’ve seen the Spear of Longinus then, piercing her chest. The Spear’s counterpart is Cassius. It was used to stop Near Third Impact.”

“Eh? Third Impact was stopped? W-what are you talking about Nagisa-kun? If it was stopped, then why is the world like this?”

Kaworu was silent, continuing to stare fixedly at the panel above them both. “It will all make sense in time,” was all he finally responded with.

Shinji stared at him for a breath, letting the words sink. “So… Do we need the Spears, then?”

“That’s right. They both are currently in Central Dogma, and thus, in order to retrieve them, we need to pilot EVA.”

“...Oh.” Shinji didn’t feel like he understood anything new. Would having the Spears fix things? Fix the world? How?

“Ikari-kun.”

“Huh? Ah!” He had raised his eyes, cast down in thought, up again to look at Kaworu only to find his gaze met. “W-what is it?”

“Do you trust me?”

He paused a moment, surprised at the question, but nodded.

“Then please, trust me when I say that everything I do is for you. This is much bigger than you think. There are things that I can’t explain to you, even if I were able to find the words to do so. But I hide no ill intent towards you. Please, Ikari-kun. Trust me.” With this, Kaworu reached a hand forward, his fingers lightly gracing Shinji’s cheek.

He gulped. Kaworu’s face was so serious. He looked worried, _tired_ almost. “I do… trust you, Nagisa-kun.”

Kaworu smiled gently, yet still that hint of tiredness remained. “Thank you, Ikari-kun.” He closed his eyes, letting his head rest more firmly on the pillow. His hand stayed on Shinji’s cheek, though the fingers uncurled lazily to rest more soundly on the soft skin.

It was such a soft hand, but cold. It wasn’t surprising. Despite the world’s eternal state of summer, the nights still carried a chill, and this small room lacked any sort of heating unit. Without thinking much of it, Shinji raised his own hand, folding it around the other’s in the hope of warming it to some degree. Ah, Kaworu’s smiled seemed to grow the slightest bit.

Kaworu really was beautiful. Was that a weird thing to think about a boy? It didn’t feel like it. Everything about him was moonlight, so pale and ethereal that he wouldn’t have thought such a being to be possible if he had never seen him himself. Looking at him made him feel fuller, like his heart had grown in size to fill his chest more completely. It felt… nice. He wanted to… wanted to… “...Kaworu-kun?” The name came out softly, barely above a murmur.

“Hm?” Kaworu opened his eyes, his eyelids revealing that colour that Shinji had recently found he felt an unexpected comfort in.

“Can I… Would it be okay if I…”

“Mm, what is it?”

“...Can I kiss you?”

Kaworu looked surprised. Shoot. He shouldn’t have asked. It was weird. He was weird. There was no way Kaworu would want to-

“Alright.”

“Eh?”

Kaworu was… smiling? “It’s alright if you kiss me.”

A sudden rush of blood ran to Shinji’s face as he fully realized what he had asked, what Kaworu had just _agreed to_!

Slowly, Kaworu moved his face closer, but didn’t make contact. The warmth of his breath tickled Shinji’s face and those red eyes closed, lips slightly pursed but still not connecting.

Oh.

Kaworu wanted Shinji to…

Oh.

_Oh._

Um.

He… he didn’t really know what to do. He had never _done_ this kind of thing before.

Acting on a mixture of instinct and nerves, he screwed his eyes shut and moved his head so that his lips met with Kaworu’s for just a brief moment.

Shoot. Shoot shoot _shoot_ , he had done it too fast! What kind of person kisses like that?!

But still, as he opened his eyes, he saw that Kaworu looked completely serene. “Thank you, Ikari-kun.”

Oh.

“Uh… Yeah.” He watched quietly, his face still red, as Kaworu resettled his head on the pillow, still smiling. “Um! U-um…”

“Hm?”

“C… Can we do it again?”

Kaworu’s smile spread wider. “Of course.”

“B-but! This time…!” Shinji looked away, unable to look Kaworu in the eye, “C-could you be the one to kiss me?”

Silence for a moment.

And then, a giggle floated through the room.

Kaworu was _giggling_.

“Alright,” he agreed, his entire face brighter than Shinji had seen before and Shinji, in turn, found himself feeling more at ease. He did his best to mirror Kaworu’s earlier actions, closing his eyes, pursing his lips just so, and waiting.

The lips that met his were so soft, they were beyond anything he had ever imagined when he had lightly played with the idea of kissing in the past.

This kiss was much more steady than his had been. More practiced. Had Kaworu kissed other people in the past, then? It was a curious thought, but not one that he gave much mind to, because right now Kaworu was kissing _him_.

When Kaworu started pulling away, Shinji followed, moving his hand to the back of the boy’s head gently. As he did this, he felt the lips pressing against his own stretch into a smile. _Oh_ , that was a nice feeling, to know he was so wholly responsible for that smile. He pressed his lips against Kaworu’s more firmly, moving them slightly to reposition them better and, as he did so, a small sigh escaped with the breath of air he let out.

Kaworu chuckled, pulling away again, this time angling his head to rest their foreheads together. Shinji opened his eyes to look at him only to find Kaworu’s eyes still closed, pink dusting his cheeks below the feathering of white eyelashes. “Thank you,” he said again, the conviction in his voice beautiful. He opened his eyes, rubbing his thumb gently across Shinji’s cheekbone as he pressed his nose lightly against Shinji’s. “You are so important to me, Shinji-kun. Please, never forget that.”

Shinji nodded shyly and Kaworu kissed him one more time, letting his lips linger there before finally pulling away.

“Now,” he said with a hint of a laugh in his voice, brushing a few stray hairs out of Shinji’s eyes, his own eyes still crinkled in an almost giddy smile, “shall we try to sleep again? After all, we do still have work to do tomorrow.”

“Oh, yeah.” Shinji paused, not wanting to pull away. Then the hand that had been on his cheek moved to wrap around his torso, not trapping him by any means, but keeping him comfortably near. He followed suit in his own, folding his arms into his chest and ducking his head down to bury his face in the crook of Kaworu’s neck.

_Warm._

Yes.

It felt safe.

* * *

Shinji’s chest rose and fell with gentle breaths, curled into himself under the other’s arm, but peaceful as Kaworu watched him with a million thoughts and memories floating through his mind.

God, he loved him. He _loved_ him, this mess of a child who cried so often and didn’t know how to kiss.

He would protect him.

He would protect him, just as he always had.

No matter what the cost.


End file.
